New Days. New Possibilities.

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As I await hot water for my comforting morning tea, I look out the window and truly enjoy what I see and hear. We have a lovely tree in our backyard with my favorite color pink petals dangling from it. The buds from which they blossom are heart shaped. This tree was meant to be in my daily view. Hummingbirds flutter about everywhere, doves bathe in the sunlight and the harmonious sounds of the flocks chirping, soothe my soul.

The boys and I got up early and went bike riding and roller blading. We stopped and played at a nearby park… the park where we last enjoyed our time with Savvy. I felt her there amongst the beautiful lavender and the scent of fresh rosemary bushes. She so enjoyed that day. I wonder if she was taking it all in as intensely as she appeared to be, because she knew it would be her last. She followed the boys up into the tree house. She walked through the grass as they played soccer. She sniffed the roses just as I always do and I felt her joy and contentment. I miss her so much.

This morning, as we were about to head home, a golden retriever started walking toward us with her owner. We all froze, as she looked exactly like Savvy. Her name was Gracie. We sat and touched her and felt such a wonderful connection with this sweet girl. Aston asked if it was Savvy. He kept petting her and seemed a bit confused. He asked, “Mommy, if Savvy died, how can she still be here? Do you think that guy picked her up and took her after she died and now that’s Savvy again with a different name? How could he pick her up if she’s heavy? Especially after she died when she can’t even assist him by getting up?”

Our boys are feeling the loss and the love so very much. This is their first experience with death and what it truly means. They miss her deeply, yet they feel joy when they imagine her happily playing and eating everything she wants up in the sky. They ask so many questions. They feel and experience life wholeheartedly and it is truly incredible to witness and be a part of.

I find that I am undergoing a deep transformation as my present unravels itself to me. I’m often confused about my state of being since we’ve returned and I’m doing my best to reconcile what appears to be unsettled in this transition. I embrace dolefulness and my heavy heart. I embrace peace of mind, good spirits and elation. I am grateful for my family and my life. I will continue to place confidence in the process and continue moving forward each day.

This soul-searching introspection is not new to me. It just feels a bit different this time after what I experienced the past year abroad. So many portholes have been unlocked and the channels are now exposed and awakened. Here is to a new day with new possibilities.

Sending Much Love to You.

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