New Days. New Possibilities.

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As I await hot water for my comforting morning tea, I look out the window and truly enjoy what I see and hear. We have a lovely tree in our backyard with my favorite color pink petals dangling from it. The buds from which they blossom are heart shaped. This tree was meant to be in my daily view. Hummingbirds flutter about everywhere, doves bathe in the sunlight and the harmonious sounds of the flocks chirping, soothe my soul.

The boys and I got up early and went bike riding and roller blading. We stopped and played at a nearby park… the park where we last enjoyed our time with Savvy. I felt her there amongst the beautiful lavender and the scent of fresh rosemary bushes. She so enjoyed that day. I wonder if she was taking it all in as intensely as she appeared to be, because she knew it would be her last. She followed the boys up into the tree house. She walked through the grass as they played soccer. She sniffed the roses just as I always do and I felt her joy and contentment. I miss her so much.

This morning, as we were about to head home, a golden retriever started walking toward us with her owner. We all froze, as she looked exactly like Savvy. Her name was Gracie. We sat and touched her and felt such a wonderful connection with this sweet girl. Aston asked if it was Savvy. He kept petting her and seemed a bit confused. He asked, “Mommy, if Savvy died, how can she still be here? Do you think that guy picked her up and took her after she died and now that’s Savvy again with a different name? How could he pick her up if she’s heavy? Especially after she died when she can’t even assist him by getting up?”

Our boys are feeling the loss and the love so very much. This is their first experience with death and what it truly means. They miss her deeply, yet they feel joy when they imagine her happily playing and eating everything she wants up in the sky. They ask so many questions. They feel and experience life wholeheartedly and it is truly incredible to witness and be a part of.

I find that I am undergoing a deep transformation as my present unravels itself to me. I’m often confused about my state of being since we’ve returned and I’m doing my best to reconcile what appears to be unsettled in this transition. I embrace dolefulness and my heavy heart. I embrace peace of mind, good spirits and elation. I am grateful for my family and my life. I will continue to place confidence in the process and continue moving forward each day.

This soul-searching introspection is not new to me. It just feels a bit different this time after what I experienced the past year abroad. So many portholes have been unlocked and the channels are now exposed and awakened. Here is to a new day with new possibilities.

Sending Much Love to You.

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Our Beautiful Angel is Running Free

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I am so sad to share this news today as I’ve been unable to utter anything but tears for days. On Tuesday, we lost our dear and beloved golden retriever, Savvy. My heart is broken and I am so devastated. Whenever I experience loss, I do my best to imagine the happiness, joy and relief from suffering one encounters when their soul is set free.

This vision helps as time goes on but nothing alleviates the overwhelming pain initially. When someone passes on, I believe they are okay. We, the ones left behind, suffer deeply without them. We miss their faces, their routines, their warmth, their love. I miss my girl so much already and I cannot believe she is gone.

Savvy will forever be in my heart. In our hearts. She will walk beside us and her spirit will live within and around our family always. She was a pure angel with the deepest and kindest soul. I am beyond grateful for every second I got to be a part of her precious life.

I am constantly reminded how boundless and yet, how fragile this life is. I have been very sensitive and emotional lately as I adjust to a new way of life for the time being. Losing Savvy in the midst of this hazy and introspective period, has thrown me off-kilter even more. I always say things happen for a reason but I will never understand cancer. In time, we may process and heal but the pain and suffering as we experience days without someone who was once there, are unbearable.

I thank our darling Savvy for granting us such pure, gentle, bountiful and divine love each day. Our boys miss her terribly already also. Each day, as we kiss her photo and tell her we love her, they reassure me that she is always with us and always in our hearts. Pierce tells me he feels her everywhere and Aston comforts me by saying she will always be lying at my feet, wherever I am. He also looks up at the sky throughout the day and proclaims Savvy sightings. He says she is running faster than she’s ever run and eating everything and anything she wants. They both say she is happy, free and cozy in the clouds and for that, I will take their word and do my best to find peace as I grieve.

Love with your whole heart. Each and every moment. Time with our loved ones is truly the most precious gift ever.

We Love You Forever, Our Beautiful Baby, Savvy Girl.

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My sister saw this in the sky the evening Savvy passed.  We Love you so much Savvy girl.

My sister saw this in the sky the evening Savvy passed. We Love you so much Savvy.

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